When I was 13, I had an emotional and psychological stressor that led to almost 3 decades of behavioral problems, addiction, and mental illness. It triggered the genetic expression of first schizophrenia and then bipolar type 1 disorder with psychotic features.
I chose this subject because I think it was a pivotal point in my life story. I think that my worldview was dramatically shaped by this event and not in a good way. My reality was shattered, and I have spent decades trying to recover. It may seem trivial compared to what other people have experienced but for who I was and what I believed, it was mind shattering for me and altered my path and my personality permanently.
I chose not to do any preliminary sketches because I wanted the work to display my raw feelings about the event. I chose not to plan out my work because I wanted the work to show that I was working my way through how the event made me feel. I didn’t want the work to be a polished and “nice” looking piece because the subject was such a disturbance to me and is something that I still carry in my nervous system, and I believed I could get the feeling of the experience onto paper if I just went for it.
I wanted to include a plant like structure growing out of a shattered world because, ultimately a new life did emerge from what I once knew to be reality. I wanted a rectangular piece of paper so I could include the plant like structure. I chose the specific paper I did because I knew I wanted to use watercolor, and this is paper I used in printmaking class so I knew it wouldn’t warp with the watercolors.
I chose some of the colors to be representative of the Earth, so I wanted blues and greens to have an Earth like feel. I chose a red for the mouth because I wanted the mouth to stand out and be a focal point to show the pain emitting from the mouth. I chose dark ripples coming from the mouth, and a dark center in the mouth because I thought it would represent pain well or a source of something evil.
I chose not to do any preliminary sketches because I wanted the work to display my raw feelings about the event. I chose not to plan out my work because I wanted the work to show that I was working my way through how the event made me feel. I didn’t want the work to be a polished and “nice” looking piece because the subject was such a disturbance to me and is something that I still carry in my nervous system, and I believed I could get the feeling of the experience onto paper if I just went for it.
I wanted to include a plant like structure growing out of a shattered world because, ultimately a new life did emerge from what I once knew to be reality. I wanted a rectangular piece of paper so I could include the plant like structure. I chose the specific paper I did because I knew I wanted to use watercolor, and this is paper I used in printmaking class so I knew it wouldn’t warp with the watercolors.
I chose some of the colors to be representative of the Earth, so I wanted blues and greens to have an Earth like feel. I chose a red for the mouth because I wanted the mouth to stand out and be a focal point to show the pain emitting from the mouth. I chose dark ripples coming from the mouth, and a dark center in the mouth because I thought it would represent pain well or a source of something evil.
I like laying down watercolors as a base and building up from there. I knew, from experience, that if I laid down a quick layer of watercolor I could do it with emotion and building up from that with colored pencil would have an emotional foundation that should still show through.
I think that the piece accurately contains the emotions that I have been carrying inside my nervous system since the event occurred. And that was what I was hoping to do. I was hoping to allow the feelings to be communicated from my nervous system onto the paper and I think I achieved that with not planning my work and with my choice of watercolor to be able to work quickly and not overthink the piece.
I think that the piece accurately contains the emotions that I have been carrying inside my nervous system since the event occurred. And that was what I was hoping to do. I was hoping to allow the feelings to be communicated from my nervous system onto the paper and I think I achieved that with not planning my work and with my choice of watercolor to be able to work quickly and not overthink the piece.